I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
