YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
