please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
