I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
