are you still at the devil's house?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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