Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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