The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
