if i can run in heels then i can drive
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
