is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
