yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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