She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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