So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
