No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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