When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
