it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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