ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
