When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
