They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
