it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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