Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
