:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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