so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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