At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Terrible idea I love it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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