oh god the rape fog is back!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Randomize
