What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
