i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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