If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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