so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
