He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
