New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
