Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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