he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
