you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
