I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
