i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
