I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
