Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need to sanitize my soul.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
