if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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