my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
not ubering you a puppy
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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