My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
