I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
