rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
