I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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