Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
