once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
