Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
