Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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