So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
