Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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