I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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