I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
