This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
